You're Back
by Lizwontcry
Summary: Russell is retiring and Ecklie finds a suitable replacement in the form of Gil Grissom. Sara's hesitant about working with her ex-husband again, and Grissom has changed. Will they find their way back to each other, or is it broken beyond repair?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - Hello! A few notes before we start here: I haven't written a GSR fic in literally years, but I got to thinking, what if Ted Danson leaves and William Petersen agreed to be in the last season (never ever going to happen ever, I know, but just humor me here) and the show was still about catching murder-y people and everything, but it was also about Grissom and Sara finding their way back to each other? I kinda got obsessed with it, so here we go. I still watch the show but not nearly as intensive as before, so if I'm not correct with my current facts, feel free to let me know.**

**Thanks to the amazing and talented Scullyseviltwin for the beta, I don't own anything, GSR is my OTP for life, and let's do this. Feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for reading.**

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><p>Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you fall in love and it's hard and it sucks but you're happy, and you get a house and a dog and a life, and then everything falls apart. Maybe there isn't even a reason why; maybe it's just the way things are. And sometimes it's two years later and you're in the lab pondering your pathetic excuse of a love life and how much you miss the early days of romance and how easy and fun it was until everything went to hell. And then maybe sometimes you get interrupted by your boss while you're deep in thought.<p>

"Sara?"

Sara was going through some tissue samples while listening to the Ramones, a staple of her angsty teenage years, with her headphones on, so she didn't hear Ecklie at first. When he tapped her on the shoulder, she snapped her head up and saw he was trying to get her attention. Oops. She took her headphones off and tried not to look like a deer in headlights.

"Sara."

"Sorry, Conrad, I didn't hear you. What's up?"

He looked down at his shoes and Sara instantly knew she wasn't going to like what he was about to say. Sara used to quite literally loath Conrad Ecklie, but ever since he got his relationship with Morgan back on track, it was so much easier to be around him. Perhaps that was about to change.

"Well. As you know, DB is thinking about retiring soon, and Nick's last day is next week." Sara did not need to be reminded about that. She and Nick had worked together for almost 15 years (aside from the few times she had to get out of town for a while) and she didn't know what it would be like without him by her side, assisting her when she got stuck on a case, counseling her when she needed his help, just being a damn good friend. It was impossible to think about. They'd lost so many good people over the years. She still missed Warrick every day.

"Yeah. They're dropping like flies around here," Sara said, wishing Ecklie would get to the point.

"They really are. So we've been looking for a suitable replacement, and we couldn't come up with anybody who fit the requirements we're looking for, and so I kept thinking about who we _really_ wanted, and who would be best for department, and it came to me. I didn't know if they were available, but… we reached out to someone."

Ecklie's lack of pronouns was unsettling and Sara wondered who he possibly could be talking about. Not Catherine, Sara knew for sure. Catherine was far too happy with her new gig to come back to the old one. Who else could he mean?

Oh…wait.

Not possible.

Sara stopped breathing. Maybe not literally. But kind of. Ecklie wasn't talking about what she thought he was talking about, was he? This couldn't be real. This was not happening. No. No, no, no.

"No," Sara said, even though she knew she was being slightly irrational.

"Come on, hear me out before you say no," Ecklie said, clearly ready to battle it out.

"I know what you're about to say, and I want to say no."

"Sidle, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I don't think this is that unreasonable. You're both adults, right? Think about what's best for the department."

_No,_ Sara thought again, but it was starting to occur to her that her protests weren't worth it. This was going to happen, she knew it in her gut. It was practically inevitable, she supposed. What comes around goes around, as her father would say. And any other number of clichés she could come up with on such short notice.

"Look," Ecklie said patiently. "He wanted me to ask you first before he said yes. We all know how complicated this can get, how complicated it already is. But Gil Grissom is the best we had, Sara. He's well-known in certain circles and he was damn good at the job. Since he's been gone, he's had an important paper published and the buzz about him is electric. His project in Costa Rica is just about over and he was going to need something to do. So...I really hope you say yes, because we need him."

Sara exhaled. Really? _Really?_ She didn't even want to think about how crappy it was that Grissom didn't even call or email or, hell, fax her about this before Ecklie blindsided her. So not cool. He was getting Ecklie to do his dirty work for him and Sara didn't appreciate it. She wanted to put down everything she was working on and run as far away as possible. But Sara knew that Ecklie was kind of right, too, and that's what really sucked the most. The lab_ could_ use Grissom after DB and Nick left. It hadn't occurred to her before, well, because she was heartbroken, but it also seemed like Grissom didn't want to come back; he was fine without the lab and having to show up every day and solve crimes like he did in his old life. But if he was done with his research, and if he thought it wasn't a terrible idea, well...maybe it would be good for them to actually have to face each other every day.

Or...a complete disaster. Either way.

Ecklie patiently waited for an answer. She could tell he was anticipating her ensuing meltdown, but things had changed. Sara was older now. Wiser. She knew this might be hard, or perhaps even impossible, but she also realized it could change everything, and maybe even for the better.

"Whatever's the best for the department," Sara finally replied.

Ecklie exhaled. "Great. Wonderful. Thank you, Sara, I'll call him and let him know immediately."

"Ecklie, wait. I'll take care of that, okay? I-I want to."

"Okay," Ecklie said, looking relieved. But he also looked sympathetic, which Sara wasn't quite used to yet. "I think you're doing something important here, Sara, even if it is hard. Thank you."

Sara nodded, and Ecklie smiled, and then it was over. Except…it had just begun.

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><p>After her shift ended, Sara drove home with her sunroof down, car stereo turned all the way up. She was listening to the Runaways, the band she always seemed to turn to when she had a lot on her mind. Something about the all-girl put her in a better place. Growing up, she needed a lot of coping mechanisms, and music became a big one.<p>

_Screw him_, she thought, not for the first time and probably not for the last time. Not only screw Grissom because he couldn't call and tell her about Ecklie inviting him back. They actually hadn't talked on the phone or emailed in something ridiculous like six or seven months. She knew they'd talk again eventually because that's just how it seemed to work with them, but she wasn't going to be the first one to budge. Except now she'd have to be. Damn it, Ecklie. So, yeah, not only screw him for not calling her, but screw him and his bugs and his Frank Sinatra music and his stupid grey hair. Screw him and the Forensics Academy Conference where they met so long ago, and the _six years _they worked together before he was able to let go of his worries and fears about being in a relationship with her. Screw him and his baseball stats and his analytical mind and his ability to throw out witty one-liners at the drop of a hat. Screw it all, in fact, but not really because she didn't know where she'd be without him. Ughh, when did this get to be so hard?

When Sara got home, she threw off her work clothes and put on some sweats. She tried not to miss Hank, who had passed away a few months ago, adding an extra layer of devastation to her already fraying psyche. She put her iPod in a dock and let it play at random, and then got started in the kitchen. Onions, bell peppers, tortillas, cheese, sauce...Sara, for as hopeless as she used to feel as a cook, could now make some damn good enchiladas. It was Grissom's favorite meal when-

Blah. This always happened. Her thoughts always landed on Gil Grissom. And it's not like she hadn't moved on. She was generally in a good place these days, with the help of her friends, her job, her therapist. She'd even been dating here and there. A few weeks ago, she went out with a journalist she met online and was delighted to find that he was a cool guy. They were both so busy, but were planning another date for the near future. So she was doing fine without Grissom and he was probably doing fine without her.

The problem with that, though? She'd been in love with the guy since that dumb conference, which was what now, 17 years ago? God, they were getting old. It felt like she was just a kid back then, even though she'd already went through the death of her father, the trial and imprisonment of her mother, foster care, Harvard, working in the field for a few years...but it felt like a lifetime ago. And now it was hard to see anything without a tinge of Grissom. What would he do? What would he think? What would he say? Time heals all wounds, it was said, but not fast enough.

Sighing, Sara poured herself a glass of wine and went outside to her deck. It was noon, and it was warm, and she wanted to feel the sun on her face while she begrudgingly made the call. She took her cell phone out of her pocket and stared at it for a minute or two. Grissom was in Costa Rica doing research and writing papers on some new species of bug they found down there. It hurt that she didn't know he wanted to come back. And part of her desperately needed to feel like at least some of the reason why. But that's how she ended up in Vegas in the first place-because she thought he wanted more than just an investigation of Warrick. At least, that's what Sara wanted and imagined having all those years when he couldn't—wouldn't—make it happen. Maybe he did want more, but he talked himself out of it. Sara couldn't handle the thought of that happening again. She just couldn't. So…she wouldn't.

Sara took a deep breath and went to her contacts. She hoped he still had the same number, at least. It took a few rings, but finally a familiar voice answered.

"Sara. Hello. Ecklie must have spoken to you." Oh, how she missed his voice. Hearing it almost felt like a shot of tequila, or a warm, comforting bath. Those two were the same, right?

"Gil. Yes, we spoke today." She was quiet for a moment. So was he. "Is it true? Do you really want to come back here?"

"I think it's time," Grissom said, and she could tell he was trying to carefully choose his words as usual, which was annoying but so like him. "For a long time I never wanted to come back, but when Ecklie called to say DB and Nick were leaving, I thought about it for a long time. I'm getting a little restless out here, Sara. I haven't had a real home in years. And I want to come back."

_Come back to what?_ Sara wanted to ask. Come back to Vegas, to the lab, to their house, to her? Did she even want him to come back to her? Maybe. But it wasn't going to be easy. He couldn't just walk right back in. He had to earn it this time.

"I see. Well, I think if that's what you want to do, you should," she said, trying to be just as careful. "The team could really use you around here, especially when DB and Nick leave. Nick's been amazing at picking up the slack with the bugs, so he'll need a replacement."

Grissom chuckled softly, and Sara was glad. She was teasing him a bit. It felt nice.

"Well, good. I'll talk to Ecklie here in the next few days and sort it all out, then. If everything goes well with my project, I should be back to Vegas by next month. I'll rent a place, of course, so, you know...don't worry about that."

Sara _wasn't_ worried about it. She'd been around long enough to know this wasn't about her, and if it was, it would be a long time before he made his intentions known. Maybe she'd wait, maybe she wouldn't. Her journalist guy was really hot, and he was her age and liked the same music she did and probably was a good kisser. If they every got to see each other again, she'd have to figure that out.

"Okay. See you soon, I guess," Sara said, both happy to hear his voice and sad that it had come to this-a brief, somewhat awkward phone call that didn't even begin to cover the things still left unsaid. They were in love once. It was good and important and after all the things Sara had been through in her life, she deserved that. So did Grissom. But things change.

"I guess you will. I'm looking forward to it, Sara," Grissom said, a hint of vulnerability in his voice. But Sara wouldn't take the hint. Not tonight, and hopefully not any time soon.

"Me, too," she said. "Good night, Gil." And she hung up. Things were about to get complicated, and Sara wasn't sure if she'd ever be ready. 

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - Hi, friends! I am so very flattered by the response for the first chapter. It's been a long time since I've tried to write GSR, but they are near and dear to my heart. Thank you for reading and reviewing, so very much.**

**I also wanted to add that I will probably update this about once a week. I would _love_ to update more than that, but I don't quite have the stamina I used to, and, you know, work and such. But I'm ready to fight for this one and it will be good and long. Thanks again for reading, and I love me some feedback. And thanks again to the amazing Scullyseviltwin for the beta. **

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><p>"So we were at Frank's, celebrating a job well done, as usual, and we see a report on TV about the wedding and Diane Chase's murder, and there we are, looking all special and important while investigating. And suddenly, right as we're feeling like nothing could go wrong, Greg looks outside at the parking lot and notices something is going down... and then he says..."<p>

"Dude, where's your car?" Greg finished for Nick. The room erupted in laughter, some of them remembering what a huge ordeal that whole situation had been, some of them just hearing about it for the first time.

"Oh, man, Grissom was so pissed," Nick said, shaking his head.

"_Everybody _was. That was one long day," Sara said. She couldn't help but think about all the meals the old team had shared at Frank's once upon a time. Nostalgia was a bitch.

Nick's going away party was held at Sara's house, and she was very pleased with the turnout. However, she couldn't help but feel a little bummed that she and Greg and Nick were the only ones still standing from the good ol' days that Nick was just describing, and now he was leaving, too. It made her wonder what she was still doing in Vegas if everyone else was long gone. It was a question she asked herself often, and she had a few theories-most of which seemed to revolve around Gilbert Grissom, as usual.

It was so exasperating to be in love with someone like him. It would be so much easier if she wasn't.

"I bet my dad loved that," Morgan said, smiling. "That sounds like something that he would be perfectly calm and rational about."

"Oh, yes, those are words that perfectly describe Ecklie," Sara said. "He took the whole situation in stride."

"It sounds like you guys had a lot of fun back then. I'm kinda bummed that I got here so late," Julie said.

"I can just imagine how interesting things would be around here with you and Catherine on the same team. I'm not sure the department would ever recover," DB said, and everyone laughed again.

Sara expected Nick's party to be a somewhat somber occasion, but to her relief, everyone seemed to be having a good time. Maybe it was just Sara who had an impending sense of doom.

After being a CSI in Las Vegas for nearly 17 years, Nick made the decision to go back to Dallas to be closer to his family. Nick had seen one dead body too many, and he was officially giving up. Besides, his parents were getting older and needed more help than usual, and he wanted to be closer to his nieces and nephews. He didn't have a job yet, but there were many prospects, of course. Sara knew Nick always felt a homesickness that the rest of them couldn't relate to, but for some reason, Nick's announcement really blindsided her. They worked so closely for so many years, what was she going to do without him? And now, with Grissom returning soon, who was going to take his place as a much-needed confidant? She enjoyed her outings with Finn and Morgan and they were great to chat and gossip with and everything, but it just wasn't the same.

Sara turned up the music and made sure all of her guests had everything they needed. She didn't get to entertain much at her house, so it was nice having so many people over. It seemed like half the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department had come to see Nick off, and Sara was so impressed as to what a big impression Nick had made on everyone. It was basically going to suck without him, and she knew a lot of people felt the same way.

A few hours later, after a ridiculous game of Cards Against Humanity that nearly got a few people arrested, Sara found herself on the patio with Nick and Greg. It was a warm Las Vegas night, and they were feeling contemplative. The beer might have had something to do with that.

"I just can't believe all the people we outlasted," Nick said. "It's truly crazy. How did we last this long?"

"By leaving town for a while," Sara replied. If she hadn't gotten out of town all those years ago, she would have burned herself out, or much, much worse.

"By writing a book," Greg added. "By doing productive things outside of work just to have an outlet away from everything." He and Nick were sitting by the pool, cuffs of their jeans rolled up, legs in the water. Sara was sitting at the table on the great deck that she and Grissom had custom made for the house. The big, dumb house that she now lived in, alone.

"I mean, just think of everyone who made it out of here," Nick said wistfully. "Like, who would have thought Catherine would end up in the FBI, of all places?"

"Ugh, I miss her so much," Greg added. "She was so good to me. And I miss teasing her about her stripper days."

Sara learned a lot over the years from Catherine that she couldn't have learned from anyone else. Catherine was strong and capable and tough, and Sara liked to think she was at least in the process of being those things, too.

"I haven't heard from Brass lately. I hope he's doing okay," Sara said. "After everything that happened, he deserves to be happy."

"Sara, ask Grissom how he is for me, okay?" Nick said. "I worry about him, too."

"Of course," Sara said. "I'll let you know if Griss has any updates. I guess we shouldn't be surprised as to how many of our colleagues have moved on-it's not an easy job. But I always find myself drawn back here. No matter what happens, I still get gratification out of being able to speak for a victim whose voice was never heard. That's what always brings me back."

"I think I love the mystery of it all," Greg said. "It's like solving a puzzle. It's much more gratifying than being in the lab, although that was more fun and less stressful." Greg sighed. "All our former lab people… I miss Mandy."

"Wendy… Wendy was so great. And gorgeous. That day with the catastrophe at Frank's was a good one for us," Nick remembered fondly. Sara laughed.

"Remember Riley?" Greg asked. "We shared an office with her."

"I think you guys shared more than an office. Didn't you both have truly ridiculous crushes on her?"

Greg and Nick shared a look Sara knew well. The two of them were so close and probably had so many secrets Sara was not, and did not want to be, privy to. Sara knew if she felt devastated by losing Nick, Greg felt exponentially worse.

"Well, yeah. She was hot." Nick said. "And she was smart and funny. But she split before anything interesting happened."

"Speaking of hot… I wonder where Sofia is now," Greg said. Sara couldn't help herself-she groaned. Once Sofia had grown on Sara, she actually quite liked her. However, back when Sara was desperately trying to find her place in this world, she couldn't help but feel jealous of how easy Sofia's relationship with Grissom seemed to develop. They had a flirtation that made Sara uncomfortable from the very beginning. Gil told her much later that he was never attracted to Sofia, and Sara also realized how ridiculous it was to harbor ill-will towards a colleague just because she was a little flirty with the boss. Something about Gil Grissom just made Sara feel so irrational sometimes, which she recognized was quite a problem.

"Yeah, Sofia, she was awesome. A little weird sometimes, but awesome," Nick replied. "Hey, Sara, remember Ronnie?"

Sara laughed, recalling the annoying but determined young woman she worked with during her dark time on the day shift. "Oh, yes, I do. It was bad enough that I had to switch to Days because of my relationship with Grissom, but I had to deal with Ronnie, too. She asked a lot-_A LOT-_of questions. She was mostly harmless, though." Sara wondered what Ronnie was up to these days. She was yet another CSI escapee.

"Oh, man, I cannot believe Grissom is coming back just after I decide to leave. It would have been great to work with him again. Maybe we could have gone to some entomology conferences together or something. That man taught me everything I know."

"You can probably still see each other at the conferences, Nick," Sara pointed out. "Now that he'll be back in the States, he'll probably be going to stuff like that more often. Ecklie loves sending him to those things."

Sara was still, a few weeks after her chat with Ecklie, trying to get used to the idea that Grissom was not only about to be back in her life, but he was going to be her boss again, too. She talked about it with her therapist, she wrote about it in her diary, she started working out again in an effort to focus on something-anything-else, but it was not going well. She was dreading it and often thought about just picking up and leaving, too, just like she did before. She still had friends in San Francisco, maybe they could help her out.

But after all was said and done, Sara knew she had to stay. He wasn't a monster; he was just Gil Grissom. He was a guy who liked bugs and baseball and leaving his socks on the floor of the bathroom. Yes, he broke her heart, and that was going to be hard, so very hard. But it wasn't the first time and maybe not even the last time. They would just have to learn how to interact again. It was no big deal. That's what Sara tried to tell herself in her lowest moments.

"Yeah, I know, and I'm looking forward to it… but it's just not going to be the same," Nick said. All three of them nodded, knowing in their hearts the truth of this statement.

"When do you think it all started to change?" Sara asked.

"Well, obviously when you left, everything felt different," Nick said. "But it all changed forever when Warrick died." He took a large gulp of beer before continuing. "I mean, he had his problems, of course, but I thought he was going to overcome them. He was so close! Man, it still hurts so much." They all sighed. It may have been many years ago, but the wounds had not fully healed.

"Yeah, when Griss called me to come to Vegas to investigate Warrick, I didn't know what I'd find," Sara said. "And honestly, I didn't like him much for a while, and I know the feeling was mutual. I'm glad we got to know each other later, though. He was a good friend. I regret not spending more time with him before I left."

"He made everything look so effortless," Greg said. "When I was in the lab, I wanted to go out in the field and be just like him. He was so cool about everything most of the time."

They shared a comfortable silence, thinking about all the people they've loved and lost. Soon enough, Greg seemed to be done with the reminiscing portion of the evening. "I'm exhausted, you guys. See you in the morning?" Sara was making Nick and Greg spend the night, since there weren't any designated drivers left.

"See you, Greggo. Thanks for everything." Nick and Greg shared a hug, and Greg went inside, where Sara later found him fast asleep on the couch.

Sara and Nick were not ready to let the evening end, however.

"We're really going to miss you around here. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you," Sara admitted. "I might have to start listening to country music in my car just to feel normal again."

Nick laughed. He was notorious for putting on his station whenever they were in the car together. Sara had adapted over the years.

"You'll be okay. I taught you well. We really have had each other's backs, though. And we've been through a lot together."

"Oh, do you mean the times we were abducted by mentally unstable murderers? Yeah, I guess that's a good thing to be able to bond over," Sara said, and they both laughed. Over the years, Sara and Nick had spent hours upon hours discussing their different kidnapping situations. Nick was the only person who truly understood what Sara had been through, and vice versa.

"When I was in Texas thinking about becoming a CSI, I never would have come to Vegas if I knew myself and my co-workers would be the target of so many deranged people. It is dangerous to be in law enforcement in this town."

"Right? San Francisco was nothing like this. Who knew so many serial killers were fans of the desert? It's nerve-wracking. I've even found myself wishing for a bodyguard everywhere I go sometimes."

"I would have been your bodyguard, Sara," Nick said flirtatiously. Sara laughed. She really was going to miss his charming self.

"Well, you should have made that offer sooner."

"Hey, do you think we would have worked out together?" Nick asked, giving her one of his adorable patented Nick Stokes grins.

"What, like at a gym?" Sara pretended to be confused. Nick nudged her.

"Come on. Would you have said yes if I asked you out back in the day? I know Greg had a huge crush on you and you turned him down, but what about me?" It was cute how curious Nick was about this question.

"I mean, of course I thought about it," Sara said. "We're the same age and we see each other all the time and we get along so well… I probably would have said yes, but my heart wouldn't have been it." Normally Sara wouldn't have been quite so honest, but she was feeling bold. Maybe it was all the beer.

"Grissom?" Nick asked tentatively.

Sara nodded. "It's always been Grissom. Ever since I met him. Even if he does continue to break my heart over and over again, it always goes back to him. It's annoying, actually."

"I figured," Nick said. "We would have had fun together, though."

"So much fun," Sara agreed. "Why, have you been pining for me all these years? My goodness, Nick Stokes, I'm so flattered."

Nick laughed. "Nah. Maybe there was a time I thought it could happen, but I realized we were just better off as friends."

Sara was enjoying this conversation. It wasn't exactly brand new information, but she was glad it never got awkward with Nick. They had a great relationship—work-wise and friend-wise—without making it more than it needed to be.

"Hey, Sara… I really do hate that I'm leaving before Grissom gets here, but that's not the only reason why. Are you going to be okay? Like, how are you going to get through this? I should be here for you, right? Maybe I can wait a few more weeks to go back to Dallas…" Nick looked so worried, Sara almost wanted to laugh.

"Don't you dare, Nick. I'll get through this like I get through everything else, I suppose. This isn't the first tough thing I've dealt with before, you know. I mean, yeah, it's not going to be easy, but if nothing else, it'll be nice to see him again. Maybe at some point we can get back to the working relationship we had before everything got complicated."

Sara didn't say what she'd been thinking about a lot recently, which was... were she and Grissom ever _friends,_ really? He was her teacher, and then her boss, and then he was her lover. They never had the easy conversations she could have with Greg or Nick or Warrick. They never went out together for a beer and he never came over to help her move and she never helped him pick out a new couch for his house or bought him a tie for an event. He had that kind of relationship with Catherine, though. He and Catherine made it look so easy. Sara just wasn't sure if she and Grissom could ever be anything but one extreme or the other. And she wasn't particularly looking forward to finding out.

Nick grabbed her hand and she knew he was seriously worried about the situation. "Hey, you know… you have choices, Sara. You can leave, too. And even if you don't, you can request a shift change, or even a transfer or something. It's just…I know you're a smart woman, but I've seen what Grissom can do to you. And I know it's easy to rely on those old feelings instead of being strong, and, like… _you don't need him,"_ he said, looking so frustrated that Sara couldn't help but feel touched.

"Oh, Nicky, you're so nice to worry about me like that, but I'm a big girl. I don't know what's going to happen with us, but I don't anticipate a happy reunion any time soon. Too much has happened," Sara said.

"I know you can handle yourself," Nick said. "But, damn, Sara, while I respect the guy for everything he's done for me, I also hate what he did to you. On top of everything else, he left you alone on your birthday two years ago! I mean, who does that?!"

Sara laughed. "That was just the icing on the cake. I understand your concern; I know how I was back in the day. I would follow him around like a puppy dog. I hung on his every word. I wanted to impress him, be the teacher's pet. It was pathetic. But that was literally 15 years ago. I'm in my forties now. I've been to therapy. I know myself now, and I will not get lost in 'Grissom's _piercing _blue eyes.' I can't promise anything, but if we ever get back together, it'll be for a good reason. Not because it's easy, and not because I'm a dumb kid. Okay? Trust me, Nick, I've got this."

"I know you do," Nick said. "But you can't blame a guy for worrying about you."

A few days later, Sara hugged Nick for maybe the last time, and he went off to his new life in Texas. She and Greg and Finn and Morgan held down the fort while Russell planned his retirement, and she was (almost) way too busy to think about Grissom's impending arrival.

That is, until one day she walked into the break room to get some much-needed coffee after pulling her third double of the week.

"It's good to finally meet you," Russell was saying. "I've heard so much about you. You're kind of a legend around here." He noticed Sara standing in the doorway, looking like she just saw a ghost. "Oh, hi, Sara… well, I guess I don't need to introduce you to Gil Grissom."

And that's when Sara found herself staring into Grissom's _piercing_ blue eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - This chapter is not beta-d, so blame me for everything! As always, thank you for all the amazing feedback. This chapter is a bit longer than the others, but I like it and hope you will too. Thanks for reading!**

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><p><em>2009<em>

Three days after the small, intimate wedding that was only attended by a few of their new coworkers and acquaintances, Sara and Gil finally had an afternoon to themselves. They'd been so busy over the past few days; Gil's assistant Louise had arranged a surprise party for the newly married couple, and they'd been working so hard lately with Grissom's lecturing and trying to obtain funding for the grant-the whole reason why they were living in France. Now, they were in the small but comfortable hotel room the Sorbonne had generously provided for them, and it was finally time to breathe.

Grissom and Sara had enjoyed a lovely afternoon of wonderful food, amazing love-making, and a much-needed nap. Now they were watching an old movie in French on TV, holding hands, drinking wine, and just being together. They hardly ever had time to do this, to just relax. There was always something to do. And when there wasn't, Sara wanted to explore Paris, which Grissom encouraged. He'd been there many times, but Sara hadn't even traveled out of the US before, and she wanted to know everything there was to know about France. He wanted to go with her, he really did, but there was just always so much to do at the school. It didn't seem to bother Sara much that he wasn't able to accompany her, and if it did, she kept that information to herself.

Although Gil was quite happy that he was finally able to marry Sara, who was, by all accounts, the love of his life, there was one nagging thought in his head that he couldn't seem to shake. _He was going to fuck this up._ It was going to happen; he couldn't see a future in which he_ didn't_ screw up everything. He figured, why wouldn't he? He'd fallen for Sara practically the first moment he saw her sitting in the front row of his lecture, asking so many smart questions and looking hot with her ponytail, and yet it took him nearly eight years to finally let himself believe she could love him, too. Of course he knew she had a bit of a crush on him when she came to Vegas, but he thought sooner or later she'd see his true colors. She'd see through the image that he presented on the outside and realize that on the inside, he was just an old man trying to get by just like everyone else, and he didn't deserve for such a young, energized, intelligent woman to feel the way she did about him. Yet... even when she saw everything there was to see, his good and bad, his black and white, her words and actions assured him over and over again that her feelings never changed. He always thought the expression was trite, but Sara Sidle truly was his rock. He was confident in her love for him, and his love for her. But he was going to fuck it up someway, somehow. It was basically just a matter of when.

So while the two of them sat together, holding hands, so very happily in love, Grissom knew that sooner or later, they would not be, and it would probably be entirely his fault. It wasn't a pleasant thought to have so soon after getting married, but at least he knew the reality of the situation. The only problem was, he didn't share this with Sara. Why? Well, mostly because he was terrified she felt the same way, too. So he squeezed her hand, she turned to him and smiled, and they shared a nice kiss that they would explore further later in the bedroom. He was at least going to enjoy this while it lasted.

* * *

><p>Five years later, in the break room of the last place he ever thought he'd be again, Grissom was confronted with the reality of the thought he had in France in those early days of marriage. He was in the middle of shaking the hand of DB Russell, the man who replaced Ray (boy, was that a mistake or what?) and was the current supervisor of the department. DB was retiring, and Grissom, who was the same age, if not older, was replacing him. Never in a million years did he even let himself ponder coming back to Las Vegas, but Ecklie had been very convincing on the phone that day. He explained that Nick was leaving, Catherine was long gone and so was Jim, and they were always short-handed. They needed someone like Grissom to replace Russell, someone who had been there before and knew how to delegate. Grissom spent three days thinking about the pros and cons. The con list was very, very long, and the pro list had three bullet points-he needed a job since his project in Costa Rica was nearly finished; he still hadn't sold his townhouse and needed to find a real estate agent to help with that, and, well, Sara. It was always Sara.<p>

Gil had seen Sara once in the last two years, and that was to sign the divorce papers. She was still so angry with him at the time, and they barely talked. So when she called him to see if what Ecklie said was true and she sounded like herself again, he was relieved. Maybe they could be friends again. Maybe he could repair some of the damage he'd done in the last year or so of the marriage. Maybe...no, he wouldn't let himself think of anything beyond that. Not yet. Sara deserved to be happy, and if it was with someone else, or if it was with nobody at all, then he wouldn't interfere. Gil just wanted to know her again.

"Well, Sara, I guess I don't have to introduce you to Gil Grissom," Russell said. Grissom just met the man, but he could tell Russell didn't really enjoying being put in this awkward position. Sara genuinely liked Russell, and from everything she used to tell Grissom about him, he did, too. So Gil was pretty sure Russell was all up to speed on their situation.

Sara, who probably just wanted to come in and have her cup of coffee in peace and quiet, walked in with what Gil interpreted as a genuine smile and said, "Gil. You're back. I didn't know you were coming in today." One quick look at her face told Grissom plenty-she looked surprised, yes, but also... content. He hadn't seen contentment in her eyes for so long, he almost forgot what it looked like. It looked good on her, after all the pain she'd been through in her life.

"Hello, Sara. Yes, I was planning to come next week, but my project ended earlier than planned. I was going to call, but it all happened so fast."

"Well, great. The sooner, the better, right?"

Russell looked desperate to be anywhere else. Gil didn't blame him.

"Well, I have to go...check on something," Russell said unconvincingly. "It was nice meeting you, Gil. I'm sure we'll go over everything in the next few days." Russell was retiring in two weeks, and Gil needed a bit of a refresher course before he took back the reins.

"Yes, good," Gil said, without taking his eyes off Sara. "See you later." Russell disappeared, and it was just the two of them, back in the break room together, just like old times. Except instead of air being filled with the odd sexual tension they used to have before getting together, it was now full of things unsaid, of awkwardness that they both hoped to leave behind them once Gil got settled back into the routine.

Sara managed to unfreeze herself and walk over to the coffeepot. She always did love her coffee, Grissom thought to himself. It was nice to see some things hadn't changed.

Sara took a long sip of coffee before she looked back up at him, as though she was checking to see that he hadn't disappeared in the last 10 seconds. It was kind of surreal, he'd admit. 24 hours ago, he was in Costa Rica with many adoring students and lots of interesting bugs. Back in the day, he promised himself he was going to walk out of this place and never come back. No cake in the break room. But things change, and this was his reality.

"It's nice to see you," Sara said. "I didn't know it would be so soon. You just missed Nick by a few weeks."

"Yes, I'm disappointed I didn't get to see him. We've been exchanging emails. I'm sure I'll see him at a conference at some point, though."

"Yeah, he was pretty excited about that," Sara said, slightly smiling. "You should have seen him here the past couple of years. He's a mini-you. You taught him well."

"Ah, I didn't teach him much," Gil replied. "He is probably one of the most self-sufficient CSIs I've ever known. He'll succeed at anything he tries."

Sara nodded in agreement. Before she could respond, however, the door slammed open and Hodges came sprinting into the break room.

"It's true!" Hodges exclaimed, and darted over to Grissom, who accepted David's hug with no complaints. It was actually nice to see one of his biggest fans after all these years.

"Hello, David," Grissom said, patting his back like a five year old, or a Golden Retriever puppy.

"Gil! I can't believe you're back! I mean, I can believe it because Ecklie told us a few weeks ago, but I still never expected you to actually come. It's just like in my dreams!" Hodges looked like he just won the lottery.

"Yes, it's true, although I'm not here in an official capacity yet. And I'm not sure I want to know about your dreams."

"But you will be here soon, right? I mean, that's all that matters," Hodges said with stars in his eyes. Ah, it was all coming back to Grissom now.

"Again, yes, David. I will be back soon. Thank you for your enthusiastic greeting," Grissom replied, wondering how he could get Hodges to leave without actually asking him to.

It was that moment when Hodges noticed Sara, who was still standing by the coffeepot, watching this exchange with an amused expression on her face. Hodges looked at Sara, then at Grissom, then back to Sara. It seemed as though he was having a realization of some kind, but Grissom wasn't sure if he was going to come up with the answer on his own.

"Oh, hi, Sara. I, uh, didn't see you standing there."

"Hello, David. It's always nice to see you, too," Sara replied.

"Well, anyway, Gil, I can't wait to resume our working relationship as soon as possible," Hodges said, his full attention back on Grissom. "I have so many ideas for stuff we can do together!"

Grissom made himself smile, and managed to say, "Sounds great, David. We'll talk soon." Hodges nodded and practically skipped out of the break room. Grissom actually sighed with relief.

"Well, that's the second person we've run out of this room in the last five minutes," Sara said. "Do you think we're making people uncomfortable?"

"It certainly seems so," Gil agreed. "I guess it may take a while for some of our co-workers to get used to this situation."

"Ah, because the two of us are so prepared for it, right?" Sara said, and Grissom laughed. Obviously this was all so strange for both of them. He definitely should have called her before arriving back in Vegas. Hell, he should have been the one to tell her he was thinking about coming back instead of letting Ecklie deliver the news. He was already messing this up before it even started. _Typical._

"I know," Grissom said. "This is weird, right?"

"A little," Sara replied. She looked like she wanted to say more, but decided not to. Gil knew Sara Sidle pretty well by this point, and he had a feeling she wasn't as cool and collected as she was pretending to be. At least he hoped not, because if he was wrong, it was like he didn't know her at all anymore. And that was the most unsettling thing about the entire situation.

"Well, why don't we have lunch tomorrow? You pick the place; I'm not familiar with the Las Vegas restaurant scene anymore," Grissom said, hoping she'd say yes.

"I'd love to have lunch, but I have plans tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday afternoon?"

Wednesday afternoon was two days away. Did she really want to wait that long? Grissom had to admit to himself that he wasn't prepared for Sara to not want to see him outside of work. He didn't have any grand plans of seducing her or winning back her romantic affections, but not even being a part of her life at all was not something he was ready to handle. Maybe this was all a big mistake. Or maybe... he'd just see her on Wednesday and stop over thinking everything.

"That works. I guess I'll see you around here until then."

"Yep," Sara said, and looked at her watch. "Oops, I have to go. Hot case. See you, Griss." And then she was gone. Grissom knew he deserved it, but he was also a little surprised and hurt by her coldness. Because after all was said and done, he wasn't the only one who derailed this marriage. He had a little help.

* * *

><p>So why <em>did <em>Sara and Gil get divorced, exactly? There wasn't one reason or moment or obstacle. It was many things, as there usually is in the break-up of a marriage. Distance was the biggest factor, obviously. After spending so much time in Vegas, Grissom wanted to travel, see the world. That was nice for a while, especially in France when Sara wanted to explore while Grissom worked, but eventually, Sara found herself wanting to put down roots somewhere. It didn't even have to be in Vegas, just… somewhere. This was their biggest relationship argument. The second one would come as no surprise as a follow-up-they both wanted to start a family, but were conflicted as to how to go about that. Grissom wanted to try naturally, but Sara had always imagined herself as a foster mom. And now that she was getting older, she didn't want to go through the pain and disappointment if they weren't able to have children together. That's when she always found herself wishing they could have gotten together sooner. It would have been so much easier. They never could see eye to on the subject, and began to avoid it altogether.

It was the little things, too. It all started to stack up until it could no longer be ignored. Grissom just wanted to play with his bugs and write a novel and explore the rainforests, but Sara wanted to work; she wanted to continue to make a difference in people's lives somehow. Sara would be the first to admit that she had just as much to do with the problems in the marriage as Grissom did. At a certain point, she became weary of discussing their issues any longer and just became argumentative. She'd mentally check out of the marriage and was very dismissive of any resolutions Grissom tried to come up with on his own. She'd ignore his phone calls and sometimes not call him back for days, even though she knew it was so very childish. It had occurred to her that these were the tactics she fell back on during her foster care days, and to be using them now as an adult did not make her feel good.

And eventually, just as quick as Grissom casually said, "Maybe we should get married," while they bonded in their beekeeper outfits, on one particularly contentious phone call, Grissom uttered, "Maybe we should get divorced." It was obviously devastating, but somehow not surprising. Somewhere along the way, it just got too hard.

Sara was relieved when it happened, actually. She had spent so many years wanting to be with him, that it felt like when she actually _was_ with him, she should be happy. Why wasn't she happy? And even though Sara always felt like she wasn't the kind of woman to lose her mind over a man, she did. And she had been for quite a long time. So when it was over, she stopped trying to convince herself that this was working, that _she _was the problem, and everything became so much easier.

So yeah, Grissom was back now and Sara was glad to see him. But was she anxious to rekindle the flame? Absolutely not. No, it was going to be different this time around. Grissom was not going to make her feel that way anymore. She was not going to let him.

* * *

><p>Sara really <em>did<em> have plans for lunch; she actually managed to set up a date with Charles, the journalist she was maybe dating. They talked on the phone almost every day but hadn't seen each other in weeks. And now Grissom was back, and he hadn't called to let her know he was coming so soon, and she was quite torn. Of course it was great to see him again-if nothing else, he had once been the love of her freakin' life. But now... now she didn't know what he was-or what he wanted. What kind of relationship would they have now? Just thinking about it gave her a headache.

So she didn't think about it and instead did what she did best—avoided it altogether. Sara met Charles for lunch and actually had a good time. He was better looking than she remembered. They talked about his latest project, her ideas for home improvement projects, his five year old son Brandon, and about her complete and abiding love for avocados. There was never a lull in the conversation, and later, when Charles walked Sara back to her car, he kissed her. It was a good first kiss, but it didn't rock Sara's world or anything. He was a perfectly good guy, and Sara knew he would never compare to Grissom. And that really, _really_ irritated her. But despite the fact that Grissom was back, she was going to give this thing with Charles a chance. For the past two years, she'd spent hours, days, _weeks_, grieving the loss of her husband, and it was only recently that Sara started thinking about a future without him. It was going to be a little harder when she had to see him every single day, but hell, she'd done it before and she'll do it again. She was 44 years old, not the fresh-faced 29-year-old who marched into Vegas from San Francisco ready to impress the teacher she had a huge crush on. Sara could do this. She really could.

After a vaguely boring shift of mostly catching up on paperwork, Sara met Gil at one of her favorite vegetarian restaurants in Vegas, Komol. He was waiting for her outside when he arrived. Before she got out of the car, she took a good look at him. The last few years of stress Grissom had endured showed on his weathered face, although that just made him look more regal in the unfair way only older men like him could pull off. He'd lost a bit of weight and looked more comfortable in his skin. When Sara last saw him, he had been clean-shaven, but he had now grown back the beard she loved so much. His glasses added a nice scholar-y touch that brought Sara a glimpse of the man she met in San Francisco so long ago. He looked good, she would be the first to admit.

Sara got out of the car and met Grissom out front. He looked happy to see her, which was always nice. Once inside, they ordered a cocktail and browsed the menu. Since getting married, Grissom had really tried to make an effort to eat better, and had switched almost entirely to a vegetarian diet. Sara assured him from the beginning that it wasn't necessary, but he claimed that he wanted to do better-for himself and for the environment. Of course, every now and then he brought home some steak and she stayed out of the kitchen when he made dinner on those nights.

One of the basic tenets of Gil Grissom is that he had no time for nor interest in small talk. So after they ordered their food, Sara decided to get right to the point.

"So I suppose you wanted to have lunch to talk about how we're going to go about this whole working together thing," Sara said. "Or at least to make it less uncomfortable for everyone else."

Grissom nodded. "Well, yes, actually. I don't particularly have any ideas, though, do you?"

"Well, I never got the 'how to work with an ex' memo, but I think we can be civil to each other, right? It's not that hard. It's been a few years, we've both moved on... let's just not make it any more than that, and it will probably be fine."

"Certainly," Grissom said, and took a long sip of tea. "I'm not sure about the moving on part of the situation, but we can certainly be civil to each other."

So he was going to go there. Well, okay. Fair enough.

"You haven't moved on?" Sara asked, her voice getting a little louder than it needed to be. "I wouldn't tell Helene that, it might piss her off."

"Helene and I are no longer seeing each other, Sara, but thank you for bringing her up again. I suppose the being civil to each other hasn't started yet. So while we're on the subject, have you spoken to Doug recently?"

Sara sighed. They could act like they were over the divorce all they wanted, but the simple truth was that neither of them actually were. Helene was a fellow teacher at the Sorbonne who took a fancy to Grissom, and not that Sara could actually confirm it at the time, but she was pretty sure it wasn't a one-way attraction.

Just a year ago, Grissom's mother passed away from a debilitating stroke. Despite the fact that they were still in the middle of a very bitter divorce, Sara wanted to come see him in Costa Rica. He convinced her to stay in Vegas, that the lab needed her more than he did, that all he wanted was some time alone to grieve. Sara handled Mrs. Grissom's cremation and burial for him, of which he was entirely grateful. However, when she called him a few days later to see how he was doing, a female answered his cell phone.

"Hello?" It was a very distinct French voice, Sara noted.

"Um, hi... can I speak to Gil, please?" Sara had no idea what was going on, but she was sure Grissom would have a reasonable explanation for who this woman was. Surely it wasn't who she thought it could be.

"He's busy," the voice said. "I'll have him call you later." And she hung up. When Grissom managed to call Sara two whole days later, they had one of the biggest fights they ever had. The female voice did in fact belong to Helene, who had come all the way from France to be with him in his time of need. It was infuriating to Sara, and it still hurt even to this day.

"I have not spoken to Doug," Sara said, not bothering to mention Charles, because what business was it of his, anyway? "We haven't talked for a while, actually. But thank you for asking."

So she had a bit of a flirtation with Doug while she and Grissom were still trying to work out the long distance relationship thing. She didn't take it any further than that, and she eventually told Grissom about it, which turned out to be a mistake. She thought being honest with him was the key to a good marriage. Instead, it turned out to be one of the last straws, and maybe the reason why he let things with Helene go too far.

The whole thing was a mess. They once thought having a long distance marriage wouldn't be so hard; they loved each other and waited a long time to be together, what difference would thousands of miles make? They were naive back then to think it wouldn't be difficult. But it was, and now here they were, face to face, no longer together. It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair.

"It's obviously still a sore subject," Grissom finally said after an uncomfortable silence. "I am sorry for the Helene situation, as I know you regret how you handled the thing with Doug. And just so you know, I didn't come here to get back together with you, Sara. We're not in that place anymore, and who knows it we ever will be again. But I want you back in my life. I want to see you every day. I want to follow the evidence and catch the bad guys again. And I don't want it to be like before we got together when every interaction meant different things to both of us. I just want to be on the same page. Do you think we can do that? Do you even want that?"

"Of course I want that," Sara said, relieved that he was the one to say it and not her, for some reason. "It's all I want."

"Good. Then we agree. Let's eat."

Sara laughed. Soon their food was delivered to the table, and their conversation was much easier now that they'd gotten the hard stuff out of the way. Soon, they were going to have to work together again, and maybe it was going to be okay. Then again, maybe not.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - I am so sorry for the delay! I had some pretty intense writer's block, but thanks to beta extraordinaire Gloria I got it back on track. It shouldn't be so long for the next one.**

**Anyway, thanks for your feedback, as always, it is much appreciated! **

* * *

><p>It wasn't that Sara was avoiding Grissom, per se... she merely wasn't in the same place he was at any given moment, at least if she could help it.<p>

It was so unsettling to see him whenever she turned a corner. There he was, just like nothing had changed; like he'd never even left. He looked so comfortable in the halls of the lab, which Sara also found quite odd. After he left Vegas, Gil would often talk about how relieved he was to never have to go back there. He would never take orders from anyone or participate in office politics ever again. Yet, he was doing all those things without complaint. He met with Ecklie to get all the revised policies and procedures, got a physical and his blood taken, signed paper after paper—everything he hated. Grissom and Russell would have long chats in Russell's office, which Sara was always walking into and backing out of after apologizing for interrupting once again. She might not ever get used to this.

Grissom wasn't exactly seeking Sara out, either. Sometimes he'd just nod to her in the hall, but they both knew that was too weird. So they started saying hello and engaging in small talk, which also felt ridiculously uncomfortable but they had to start somewhere.

A few nights before Grissom was to officially become shift supervisor, Sara was in the break room, reading the paper and drinking coffee. Grissom came strolling in with his coffee cup (the same one he used before he left—some things never change) and Sara inwardly groaned. It was so exhausting having to pretend this was all normal.

"Good evening, Sara," Grissom said while refilling his cup. "Anything interesting happening tonight?"

"Not yet," Sara replied. "Just waiting on assignments."

Grissom nodded, and Sara expected him to walk out and continue down the hall, since this was about as exciting as their conversations would get lately. Instead, he sat down at the table with her. Well, okay.

"May I have the Sports section, please?" Grissom asked.

"Certainly," Sara said, and handed it to him. "I see the Cubs are about to start their spring training."

Grissom raised an eyebrow. "Well, yes, they are. It should be a good year for them. I hope so, at least." He then took a bag of bagels out and spread some cream cheese on one. Sara was immediately concerned.

"Have you been taking your blood pressure medicine?" Sara asked, not even caring that she broke their small talk only unspoken rule.

"Of course I have," Grissom replied. "Why, do I look like my blood pressure is high today?"

Sara pointed to the bagel. "That's a salt bagel, and that cream cheese isn't so healthy, either. Have you told Dr. Williams about your snacking habits?"

Grissom chuckled. "Dr. Williams is okay with the bagels as long as I keep bacon out of my diet. Now, please continue your newspaper browsing and leave my salt intake alone."

"Fine," Sara said. "But maybe tomorrow you can bring yogurt as a snack instead." Grissom shook his head. This was an exchange they had about once a week when they were married. And even though they weren't anymore, Sara was still worried about his health. She took a second to wonder yet again if she would ever stop worrying about Gil Grissom.

* * *

><p>At Russell's going away party at a sports bar on the Strip, Sara and Finn sat in a corner booth and proceeded to get hammered together. Sara had put her hard drinking days behind her for the most part, but something about this party made her want to drink everything in the room. Plus, Sara liked Finn; she didn't have a lot of female friends but Finn just seemed to get it. She knew when Sara wanted to talk and when she wanted to do anything but talk, and Sara knew the same about Finn. They just seemed to have a mutual understanding.<p>

Sara tried her hardest to focus on Russell's party and everyone's speeches about him, but Sara felt her attention wavering. Grissom was there, and her eyes wanted to follow him wherever he went. If they had been together, they would have stayed at the party for an hour or two and then made some kind of excuse, like they needed to let Hank out or they had to wake up early to take the car in for repairs. But they weren't together, and Sara was pretty sure that was a good thing, so why couldn't she take her eyes off of him?

Somewhere after the fourth or fifth shot of tequila, Finn nudged Sara and asked, "So how have you been lately?"

"We see each other every day, Julie. You know how I am."

Finn rolled her eyes. "Come on, Sara, it's me. How have you really been? Grissom's a nice guy, you know? I can definitely see his appeal. And when he looks at you, damn...I'm surprised the lab hasn't exploded with all that chemistry."

Sara laughed. Actually, she snorted _and _laughed. It probably wasn't very attractive. "Yeah, yeah, I know, there's chemistry. There's always been chemistry, Finn, that's not the problem. The problem is that we can't seem to be married to each other without finding a way to mess it all up. Too much has happened."

Finn looked thoughtful. "Sara, I hate to break it to you, but a man who wants to get over his ex-wife doesn't come to Vegas to be near her every single day if he thinks 'too much has happened.' Maybe he doesn't even know it yet, but Gil Grissom wants you back. Do you think there's a chance?"

"You're not getting it, Julie," Sara slurred. "Of course there's a chance. There's _always_ a chance. But we have to move on! We can't keep playing this game of hide and go seek. I've been doing that for 17 years now, it's utterly exhausting. If he wants to start this again, he has to have a plan. He has to stick to that plan. He has to share that plan with me. And we need to be on the same page. And guess what? That's not Grissom. He doesn't do that. He asked me out on a date spontaneously after Nick's abduction so many years ago; he asked me to marry him on a whim, probably because he has a bee costume fetish or something. Gil Grissom doesn't plan anything, okay? And I've learned to accept that. Now let's talk about something else!"

In her more bitter days post-divorce, Sara liked to think the bee sting after Grissom proposed to her was a sign. At the time, she took it as a good omen; if their proposal started off with a bee sting, what else could possibly go wrong? The word "naive" never applied to Sara, but when she looked back on that moment, that's the word she'd use to describe herself.

"Um, okay, I think what you need is another shot," Julie said, and quickly found one to shove in Sara's face. Sara happily took it, knowing she'd have a hell of a hard time the next day but it was probably worth it for the night. Julie went off to flirt with Greg for a while and Sara continued to try not to stare at Grissom, who was now having a spirited discussion with Doc Robbins. Gil really was handsome, she noted for the millionth time in her life.

Sara had one more shot, and tried to compose herself at least enough to shake Russell's hand and tell him how much she learned from him and how much she'd miss him, she called an Uber to pick her up. The driver tried to talk to her about the weather or the game of blackjack he won earlier in the night, but Sara couldn't focus. When she got drunk, Sara always found herself reminiscing about things. She stared out of the window and thought about how different her life was a decade ago. Back in 2005, she was really coming into her own-although she did still have problems with authority figures, or maybe just with Ecklie.

Everyone was still together at the lab-Greg was finally learning how to investigate, Catherine and Warrick had their interesting flirtation that Sara always secretly rooted for; Nick was a rock star, as usual. And Grissom, well, he was still the same Grissom, but there had been something different about him back then. Like he was finally starting to realize what was important to him. And eventually, he showed Sara. And told her. And showed her again. And it was maybe the happiest time of her life... for a while. She missed it. She missed all of it.

But it wasn't 2005 anymore. In 2015, Sara was older and wiser. At some point in between leaving Gil in the middle of the night to see her mother in San Francisco, and Gil finding her again in Costa Rica, she figured it out—the meaning of her life. Sara was pretty, but she wasn't gorgeous, at least not conventionally. She was intelligent, but she didn't have much common sense sometimes. Book smart, not street smart, as some would say. She loved children, and especially loved protecting them, but she was never meant to be a mother. Although she'd never end up like Laura Sidle, a part of her soul from childhood never let Sara believe she could be nurturing and loving and do everything a mother does to make sure her kid doesn't end up a serial killer. That's why she was so adamant that she and Gil not have their own children, but instead be foster parents. Gil would spend _hours_ telling her why he thought she would be a wonderful mom, but she didn't—couldn't—hear him. It just wasn't meant to be.

She was also very, very good at her job. From the day those police officers came to her house to arrest her mother for killing her father, Sara knew she wanted a career in law enforcement. She wanted to help solve crime from the outside, not be a witness to it from the inside.

Although physics was her first love and her ticket to college and beyond, she took every criminal justice class she could find. And now it was her career, her life, and it fulfilled her in a way nothing else ever did. She didn't strive to be at the top; all Sara wanted was to speak for the living and the dead the best she could.

So that was Sara. Pretty, smart, fiercely loyal, good at her job, and that was just fine with her. She was done trying to be something she wasn't. And most of all, she was done trying to make Gil Grissom the man she wanted him to be. Sara knew Grissom loved her, but… it wasn't enough, and it probably never would be, and she was (basically) at peace with that.

Before Sara went to bed, she downed a glass of water and took some Motrin, knowing that waking up was not going to come easy. In bed, Sara stared at her cell phone, trying to resist the urge to text Grissom something she'd deeply regret later. Instead, Sara texted Finn, _We're going to need so much coffee tomorrow!_ Finn texted back a few minutes later, _LOL, meet you at Starbucks._ Well, it wasn't the conversation she wanted to have before going to bed alone yet again, but at least it was something.

* * *

><p>A few weeks later, Sara had a night off and invited Charles over for dinner. He'd just returned from being on assignment in South Korea, and she wanted to know all about it. Plus, after all the strange dynamics at work with Grissom, she needed some down time.<p>

Sara made some pasta and garlic bread and opened a bottle of wine. She liked to listen to Charles talk. He cared about important things; he _did_ important things. His pieces on the war in Afghanistan ten years ago were still being talked about as some of the best articles ever written on the subject. He was passionate, and she appreciated that about him. As much fun as it was to stay at home and dwell on her broken relationship with her ex-husband while watching hours of meaningless reality television, she needed to move on.

Plus, Charles was kind of sexy. He was tall and slim with dark hair and dark eyes, and, well, he had a great ass. So while she and Charles hadn't made it past some intriguing make-out sessions, she wasn't totally opposed to the idea of more. It had been a while, and he was cute. But...they didn't quite make it to the physical portion of the evening, and it wasn't because of their mutual garlic breath.

"So what are you working on now that you're back from Korea?" Sara asked during dinner. His stories about where his career took him were fascinating to her. Plus, his black shirt made his dark eyes even darker, and when he came inside the house, Sara appreciated the tightness of his jeans. What? She was allowed to admire the features of her possible new boyfriend.

"I've been looking into some cold cases, actually," Charles replied. "I actually got my start in journalism on the crime beat. As you know, Vegas never runs out of crime. I like to get into cold cases and see if I can dig up any new information. It's kind of like a hobby."

"Interesting," Sara said. "What has caught your eye lately?"

"Well, let's see, you might remember this one; it was around the time you first came to Vegas. Do you recall the Paul Millander case?"

Sara almost choked on her wine. She was frankly a bit taken aback, because of course she remembered Paul Millander. And if he was looking into it, he would have known Grissom's connection to the case. They didn't talk much about their past, but Charles knew about Grissom, and she knew about his ex-wife, Jane, a fellow journalist.

"Of course I remember," Sara replied. "That was quite a case. Grissom almost lost his mind over the whole thing. What's so cold about it? Millander killed himself quite a while ago, if I recall."

"Yes, and his son Craig was also cleared of a murder just five years ago, as well. But there's a similar case in Oregon that I've been looking into. There have been four cases of staged suicides that they haven't been able to solve yet. I've just been interviewing the witnesses again to make sure all the bases were covered the first time."

"Sounds intriguing," Sara said. "You said it's a hobby, but it's not just that, right? You're going to write a book someday."

Charles looked surprised for a moment, and then grinned. "Well, yes, I do have tentative plans to write a novel about cold cases someday. You are quite a detective, Sara Sidle."

"I've been around," Sara said, and tried to smile in a way that could possibly be thought of as "sexy."

Charles took a sip of wine and cleared his throat. His face went from content to serious very quickly. _Uh-oh,_ Sara thought.

"There's something else, Sara. While researching the Millanders, I came across a case from a few years ago from here in Vegas. An anonymous call came in about a husband and wife double suicide, and when CSI got to the house, that's what it appeared to be at first. The man and woman had both shot themselves in the head. It looked like a basic open and shut case of suicide, but I've been studying the crime scene photos and I don't think it was that easy. I think they were murdered."

"Really? Well, that sounds interesting. What caught your eye about it?" Sara asked. She knew this was going somewhere, and she wanted him to get to the point already.

"I looked into both of them, and I caught something the original investigators or reporters didn't seem to pick up on. The wife's name was Stephanie Monroe. She was a nurse, and did a lot of volunteer work. Everyone who knew her had nothing but good things to say. Anyway, I dug a little deeper and found that she was in the foster care system as a kid. In Vegas. And her foster dad was Ernie Dell."

And there it was. Sara's blood ran cold, for so many reasons. Her brain went into hundreds of directions as to how to reply, but finally settled on one.

"So I guess you read about my involvement with Natalie," Sara said, her voice about 50 degrees cooler than when she was trying to sound sexy. "What else did you read about?"

Sara didn't know Charles all that well yet, but she knew the look on his face was that of regret. He should have brought this up in a different way; he should have started off the night by telling her this, or, hell, he shouldn't have looked into her past _at all._ Needless to say, she was not impressed with him or his journalistic skills at the moment. However...she was also intrigued. Natalie may not have had anything to do with the double suicide, but she did grow up with Stephanie. That was a lot of tragedy for just one family, foster or not.

"Sorry, Sara, I had no intentions of going through your past, but you know how it is, " Charles said, looking very, very sorry. "I read an article on Ernie Dell, and that led me to the story about Natalie, and then once I saw your name...there was a whole piece on you, and I couldn't help myself."

Sara knew the piece he was talking about. Back then, the reporter never even bothered to talk to Sara, but somehow still managed to uncover everything there was to know about her-not just the fact that her mother killed her father, but also Sara's relationship with Grissom. It was not a pleasant article for her, and it was one of the reasons why she left town.

"Well, let's just say that I don't want to talk about it at the moment," Sara said. She did in fact intend to tell Charles about her past eventually, but maybe a few more dates would have been nice before that happened. She just felt so naked, and not in the good way she imagined this date possibly going.

"I understand completely," Charles said. "I realize this is an uncomfortable subject for you. But after getting to know you on the few dates we've been on, I thought you might want to know about the Natalie connection. It seems like you're someone who wants all of the information. Like me."

"Yes, that is true, but the incredible invasion of privacy was not the way to go about piquing my interests," Sara replied. "So maybe we ought to call it a night."

Charles nodded, and got up from the table looking like a wounded puppy. Sara followed him and willingly accepted the hug he offered. As he was leaving, Sara caught his hand and drew him closer to her.

"I do want to see you again," she said. "But under different circumstances. No talk of the past until we have a bit more of a future."

"Yes, I agree completely," Charles said, and she couldn't help but laugh about how happy he was that she wasn't throwing him out forever.

Despite everything, Sara did desperately want to know more about the case he had described. What could she say? She was an investigator, and she had a personal interest. She couldn't just hear information like that and forget it.

"And please email me everything you have about the suicide case, okay?"

"Of course, you'll have it by tomorrow morning," Charles said. Sara smiled, gave him a quick peck on the lips, and then closed the door. Her evening had not gone as planned, but now there was something else to focus on, and her name was Natalie Davis.


End file.
